Guide for your Heart

theMan - Moving in together from being long distance can be rough. There is a lot to adjust to. When you are visiting the other person in a long distance relationship, you are in “vacation” mode. You haven’t seen the person in awhile and you are extremely excited to see them. They are much more tolerant of you making a mess, want to have a good time, and usually have a lot of fun activities planned. You have had great conversation (hopefully), but have not been able to be as intimate with them for many weeks and therefore want to spend most of your time together being intimate.

Should you move in together or just move to the same vicinity before getting married?

This is a difficult question. Moving in together before marriage can make a lot of sense in some cases but doesn’t work for everyone. Here are some situations where it can make sense:

1. You do not want to rush into getting married but also do not want to have to wait several more years before you can be together. You only live once and long distance relationships for many years can be very sub-optimal.
2. You want to determine if you can live with the person and get most of the kinks out of the relationship before deciding to get married.

Here are some situations where it does not make sense:

1. Your relatives are extremely opposed to the idea of moving in until before getting married and stress from your family will be extremely difficult to bear.
2. You have no intentions of getting married but simply want/need a roommate to help split the bills. In this case, you should have a platonic friend that is a roommate because if you do not have the intention of making it work, it probably won’t and moving is very time-consuming and expensive.

If you do move in together, you should not think that breaking up is not an option and do everything you can to make it work. During the hard times, ask yourself “Are these problems or issues particular to my partner or would they be a problem no matter who I live with?” If the problems are things you will need to work through with someone anyway, you should work them out with the one you love. There are problems that are particular to certain individuals and if things do not improve over time, it can make sense to end the relationship.

If you just move to the same vicinity, it can be pretty wasteful in both time and money. Here are reasons why just moving to the same vicinity may not make sense:

1. You may need to buy extra furniture that you will not need down the road (i.e. extra bed)
2. You may spend most nights and most of your time at your partner’s place
3. If you decide to move in shortly thereafter, you will need to move twice which is expensive in time and money.
4. You may need to have separate cars, etc.

When I moved from the West Coast to the East Coast, I had relatively minimal moving costs. I just had an apartment and did not have a lot of stuff. I gave away most of my bachelor furniture, shipped a few boxes, shipped my car, and brought most of my clothes on the plane over a few trips. In all, it probably cost me a few thousand dollars. If you have to sell your place or have a lot of furniture, it can be pretty expensive.

Moving in Together is a Big Change and a Lot of Work

When you move in together, there are a million things to do and lots of expenses. Moving can be extremely stressful and it is important to keep your cool to start your relationship together off right.

If you are moving cross country, you need to figure out your commute and perhaps buy new clothes. Your summer clothes from California may not cut it in New York during the winter.

Questions:

1. Do you need to buy new clothes?
2. How will your expenses and lifestyle change after the move? How much time do you spend commuting today and how much will you spend after the move?
3. Do you cook today?
4. How much time do you spend per week doing chores?
5. Do you get a place with 1 bedroom or 2? 1 or 2 bathrooms? There is nothing more painful than having to wait 30 min to use the bathroom. You cannot think of anything else when you have to go.
6. Are you going to ship or drive your car? lease a car? buy a new car? Does your car need maintenance?
7. Do you have any friends or relatives near your new place? Who can help you if you need help?
8. Will your new place have any issues that need repair? Do you need to set up internet, wiring, etc?
9. Do you need to buy new appliances or furniture?
10. Will you hire movers?

Changes:

1. You will probably spend less time on the phone
2. You will be spending more time with your partner
3. You will spend more time doing chores
4. You will most likely spend more time commuting

Figuring out many of the issues above and the ones below before you move in together can make the transition much smoother.
Moving
It is best to avoid accumulating stuff. Having a lot of stuff can make it very painful to move. Try packing, loading, and unloading 17 25″ by 25″ boxes, several pieces of furniture in a 17′ UHaul.

Fighting

Most couples fall into patterns of behavior and fights that recur over time. For example, here is an example of a fight that can recur over time:

You are married to your Job

1. theMan has to work extra hours due to his responsibilities, obligations, and/or passion for his work
2. theWoman thinks that theMan is being treated unfairly or works too much and does not want to spend time with her
3. theMan states that theWoman doesn’t understand theMan’s obligations, responsibilities, or passion and that there are other people relying on him to do his job

It is important to identify your patterns of behavior and what fights you tend to have. If the fight continues to occur every few weeks, you can write out the steps of the fight and try to get a to mutual understanding or compromise to avoid the fight.

Focus on Solutions, Not on Problems

Rehashing the same argument and seeing a particular argument recur without taking steps to solve the root cause is conflict avoidance and not conflict resolution. You can literally have the same fight for 20 years if you don’t take steps to identify the core issue and come to an understanding and compromise.
Don’t let Fights Escalate

Before you get extremely emotional and stressed out, try to communicate your feelings using these types of phrases:

1. “I get very frustrated when” you don’t listen to me.
2. “I feel very strongly that” … (instead of yelling at the person, you can state that you feel very strongly …). This is the first attempt to see if they will listen. If they do not listen to you or do not change their behavior you escalate.

Here are some tips to avoid fighting:

1. Seek to understand before getting angry. You may misinterpret what your partner has said or done and overreact. Everyone makes mistakes.
2. Don’t do dumb things on purpose. If you are aware of a mistake or notice a problem, do something about it.
3. Communicate what is bothers you in a list when you are not in an emotional state of mind.
4. Agree on schedules, chores, budgets, plans, etc beforehand.
5. If an argument gets heated, take a timeout and reconvene when you are less emotional.

Try not to tell other people when you are fighting or bring other people into the fight (i.e. parents). If you tell your parents bad things about your partner, they will overreact and try to get you to break up with your partner instead of just listen to you. Also, if they don’t take your side, then you will get angry. If they do take your side, they may not be unbiased and not helping you see the light. The conflict must be worked out between the couple and not the couple, the parents of the couple, and all of their friends, other relatives, or coworkers.

Chores

Before moving in together, you should talk about chores. Here are some of the chores that need to get done:

1. cooking
2. washing dishes
3. cleaning bathrooms (I had never done this before moving in and it became a huge problem!)
4. buying groceries
5. taking out the trash
6. cleaning up your desk
7. cleaning the fridge
8. cleaning the microwave
9. wiping counters
10. car maintenance - oil changes, tune-ups, checking the fluids, etc
11. etc

You can try to divide up chores before moving in together or start by doing chores together and see which chores you prefer to do over others. You need to come to an understanding of quality, deadlines, what chores are going to get done and when. If you don’t, either one person will get stuck doing chores and resent the other person while doing them or the chores simply won’t get done. By making a list and taking turns picking chores, you will know which chores the other person has done and not feel like you are the only person doing them.

Also, try to openly discuss what you have done in the past and what you are comfortable with:

1. Have you done laundry before
2. Do you know how to run the dishwasher, dryer, washer?
3. How proficient are you with cars?

In order to prevent feeling resentment toward the other person when you are doing chores, it can help to do chores at the same time. Also, it is important to tell the other person that you feel this way so that you don’t let things ferment for a long time.

You can also get a housekeeper. There are many downsides to this:

1. Trust - they may steal from you
2. Things may get dirty as soon as they leave. When you are doing the cleaning, you will try to keep things tidy longer.
3. It can be expensive.
4. They may not do a thorough job.

Benefits

1. They may do a better job than you because they are professionals.
2. You may be short on time but have an abundance of money.

Make Choices, not Sacrifices

If you think of your decision to move as a sacrifice, then you may resent the other person. However, if you are personally making the choice to be with them you are accepting the fact that you have free-will and are doing something for your benefit or to benefit the relationship. You never know what opportunities will open up by being catalyzed to move, change jobs, etc.

Sleeping Together

Try to go to sleep at the same time so that you do not wake up the person. Being woken up from sleep can be extremely frustrating.

It can be difficult to be on the same schedule. However, if you can, make a schedule and try to keep the same sleep schedule. Try to get 8 hours of sleep a night so that you can be happy and healthy.

Communication

In an LDR, communication seemed easy. You had great conversation. Why is it that when you moved in together, the great conversation ended?

It can be difficult to communicate face to face. You can try talking on the phone (when you are away) or talking through issues over IM. It is amazing how much easier it can be to say things when you are using less “present” forms of communication.

Doing things Together

You moved in together to spend more time together (not to work all the time, etc). You should try to find activities that you can both enjoy.

Try something new:

1. Learn a new sport (skiing or snowboarding)
2. Join a club - Toastmasters
3. Get involved in the community
4. etc

Stress Management

Stress from your relationship can be worse than stress at work. If you can’t be happy at home, you can’t be happy at work. You should look forward to coming home and seeing your partner. Therefore, you need to avoid fights, divide up chores, solve conflicts, and master all of the areas above. You are in control of how you react to things. You can get very emotional or slightly emotional. Try to manage your stress and not get too worked up over small issues.

theMan - We have all heard the saying “opposites attract.” It’s definitely true for magnets and it can be true for people. However, is the converse true? Do similar people repel each other?

I don’t think so. The happiest/longest relationships that I have seen involve people who have similar interests and enjoy doing things together.

I believe in finding someone that is similar to you who shares common interests with you so that you can grow together and enjoy things in life together. For instance, I found myself saying, “You know what I like about you. You remind me of myself” to my girlfriend when we first started dating. It has been working out extremely well. On the other hand, some relationships end with the sentiment “It just won’t work out. We’re just too different.”

It’s a relationship. Not a social studies project.

Here are some pro’s and con’s to being in a relationship with someone who is different from you:

Pro

1. You get to learn about a new culture

Con

1. Complexity can increase - different religious or cultural backgrounds can complicate raising children
2. Conflicts can increase - the number of fights that you may have is likely to increase
3. Lack of Understanding - you may have trouble fully understanding someone else’s culture or simply reject it because you are more tied to your own. You may constantly find yourself needing to explain yourself to your partner because they do not think like you do.

Relationships can be complicated by themselves and can become even more complicated when people have different religions, sexual needs, hobbies, values in life, etc.

Here are the benefits of being with someone that is similar to you:

Pro’s

1. You can enjoy doing similar hobbies and spending time together
2. You will fight less and have fewer areas of conflict
3. You can work more easily toward common goals
4. You don’t need to spend as much time “explaining yourself” and why you do things or why you value certain things

Con’s

1. Lack of diversity - you may lose out on a difference of perspective or opinion that could prevent you from making mistakes
2. You may learn less about the world than you otherwise would have

Thoughts?

theWoman - Now that you’ve decided to go bold, you need to figure out what you’re getting your partner for Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day can be a stressful time of year for people in any type of relationship, but can be especially difficult for people that are in long distance relationships.

Here are some tips on meaningful presents that I’ve received from theMan or given to theMan:

1.      Scrapbook – if you met on vacation or during a study abroad program or anything along those lines a scrapbook can be a great way to re-visit those memories. Simply take a few pictures, cut out a few words from some magazines that mean something to the two of you and add a little creativity – and voila! Part of what I love about scrapbooks is that as you progress in your relationship you can easily reminisce about a poignant time in the relationship with the help of a scrapbook.

2.      Romantic poems – there’s nothing more moving than receiving a romantic poem from your partner. This may seem difficult, but you don’t have to be Shakespeare to write a great poem. In fact all you need to do is know to rhyme. For example, here’s an except from a poem theMan wrote me on our first Valentine’s Day:

“Happy Valentine’s Day

I can’t wait until March when we will get to play

When you read this, it will have been 6 weeks

Since I’ve seen your cute pink cheeks”

The most important aspect of writing this poem is to incorporate memorable past experiences.

(I’m working on getting theMan to agree to let me post the poem in its entirety – stay tuned J)

3.      Sound recording of how you two met – All you need is a microphone and a digital recording mechanism (which can be found in almost all laptops). Whenever I felt lovesick or really needed to hear my partner’s voice I would play the recording of how we met.

4.      Self made cards – One of our reader’s posted a comment that he was making a card for his partner out of construction paper. I love this idea – and maybe the reader wouldn’t mind sharing a picture of the front of the card with us?

5.      Love coupons – What can I say , I love cashing them in.

6.      Candles & Rose Petals – If you’re together on Valentine’s Day I would definitely try this one - I used to think candles and their application in any romantic setting was totally overvalued until I had the pleasure to lie in a bed full of rose petals surrounded by hundreds of candles. Needless to say that night still rates as one of the most romantic nights of my life.

theMan - For some people, admitting to have tried online dating is kind of embarrassing. For others, Online dating can be extremely dangerous. You can read about plenty of scams that started by meeting someone through online dating.

There are plenty of bad things about Online dating:

1. You may spend time on people that you would have dismissed immediately if you met them in person. (People upload the one picture that they look decent in. However, in real life, they put on 20 lbs, have bad skin, etc)
2. You have a much less exciting story to tell other people if you start dating. (So, how did you guys meet? Duh! We met on some cheesy online dating website. She had the most amazing profile that I had ever seen.)
3. It will most likely lead to a long distance relationship which are pretty challenging. (On the other hand, you can do online dating and limit yourself to the local area.)

Despite these items, Online dating can still be a good idea for the following reasons:

1. Broaden your possible match pool. I don’t think that you should limit yourself to only people that live in your vicinity. Your soul mate and a better match may be awaiting you.
2. You can and will have some interesting dating stories to tell your friends about.
3. There is a lot of fun/anxiety in the anticipation of wondering what the person will look like or be like, etc and then usually being disappointed.

The bottom line is that I believe that there was a time when Online Dating was just for dorks. However, over time as more “normal” people started to use the internet and do online dating, it has become more mainstream. I think that you should try online dating especially if you are having trouble meeting people but also try to meet people through friends, on trips, etc.

That being said, there are definitely some weirdos to watch out for and I have had friends that like to go onto dating websites and either mess with people or make fun of people.

Please let us know what your favorite Online dating websites are or any crazy/funny stories you have about online dating!

(You can add a comment by hitting the No Comments link at the end of this post which will then re-direct you to a form to add comments)

theWoman -When it comes to Valentine’s Day in the beginning stages of a LDR the question is whether to be bold or to play it safe.

Definition of going bold: Purchasing or creating a meaningful and thoughtful experience or gift for the other person.

Definition of playing it safe: Purchasing a generic gift (ie, cologne, body lotion for women, candles).

The reason this question only applies to the beginning stages of a LDR is because usually after a few months both people determine whether or not the relationship is meaningful enough to warrant the pros and cons of being long distance – and if the people believe the relationship is meaningful enough then they’ll definitely go bold.

When it comes to the beginning stages of an LDR my suggestion is to go bold and here’s why:

You’re already heavily invested – Long distance relationships are inherently intense (see Casual LDR’s) so it only makes sense to go bold for Valentine’s Day. Think about it- if you’re in a LDR you’re probably spending a significant amount of time on the phone or sending emails to the other person and depending on where you live, you are probably also visiting the person every couple of months. This is a huge investment of time and money so given that both people are already making this large of an investment of time and possibly money, doesn’t it make sense to go bold?

Passion for Love – One of the best things that I learned about a long distance relationship was that you don’t have to sacrifice the passion that can be felt in a regular relationship. It’s pretty hard to say or show that you’re passionate about someone with a generic bottle of lotion from The Body Shop or something along those lines. When I receive gifts I want something that shows the other person really thought about what I would like or need. We’ve all received presents that we have either re-gifted or hid in the closet for years and those presents weren’t memorable (at least in a positive way). So if you want a passionate relationship, why not start with this Valentine’s Day and go bold?

Decide whether you’re going to play it safe or go bold. If you’re planning on going bold we’ll have some tips on gifts/experiences that have worked well for us and other LDR couples.

theWoman - As theMan has already mentioned, long distance relationships (LDR’s) are both challenging but also potentially very rewarding in that they can lead to the next step – living together/ engagement/marriage etc. There are a few items I’d like to add in terms of what I believe will help keep the spice in the LDR.

Nature of the Beast- Women are more auditory in that we fall in love and thrive more on what is told to us, what we hear, and how we feel. Men on the other hand tend to be more visual and thus can get caught up in a woman’s looks. Seeing as how this is the nature of the male and female sex, in order to be happy in a LDR both men and women should try to cater to these inherent traits.

Thus, a man should complement theWoman and make her feel that they are emotionally close by telling her how great she is, that she’s beautiful etc. Don’t give fake compliments or lie to the woman- rather tell her how you feel and why you think she’s special- believe me, women need to and love to hear this. Other tips to help theWoman feel appreciated and secure in the LDR:

1) Quick email/voicemail - It doesn’t matter what stage of the relationship you’re in to do this and in fact, it’s probably the easiest of the 3 tips. TheMan should send a quick email or leave a short voice mail every once in a while to theWoman saying something as simple as “I was thinking about you”, “I miss you”, or “I couldn’t stop thinking about”.

2) Surprise present- This doesn’t have to be anything huge and can even be a card. Everyone gets junk mail and we toss it out without giving it a second though, but when someone receives a piece of unexpected mail such as an “I miss you card” or a “Thinking of you card” or a stuffed animal it can really make a person’s day.

3) Plan a special night on when you two are together - for example, if you live near a beach take theWoman to the beach for a romantic stroll and do those things that are somewhat corny but make the other person feel special. I promise you that the thought and action will be reciprocated.

Women on the other hand should appeal to theMan visually both when they are together and when they are apart. When theMan and woman are spending time together, the woman should ensure she’s in her best form – meaning, it’s probably not the best time to try a drastic hair cut right before seeing the man. If it doesn’t turn out well you’ll feel terrible and consequently you’ll project that terrible feeling through your outward image. Similarly, I would suggest having the eyebrows waxed (and any other body parts that need waxing), the nails done, and the skin fresh and clean a few days prior to the rendezvous. This way, you’ll look natural when you are together and your body/skin has had a few days to recover from the beauty regimen. If you feel great and confident you’ll look great- and that’s what needs to be ingrained into your guy’s head. Also, if you are going to any romantic dinners it might be nice to up the sex appeal – just to get his blood pumping and to remind him that you are worth the wait. When you are apart- it becomes difficult to project that sexy image through the phone but it’s not impossible! Here are some tips I’ve learned along the way:

1) Never ever ever tell the other person on the phone that you are breaking out, have a skin rash, put on 20 lbs since they last saw you, or have to go get a body part waxed. Although everyone is entitled to being human and thus break out occasionally – you don’t want that image running through your partner’s head.

2) Instant Reminder – If you have a picture of your partner and you at a night out on the town or at another occasion where you look great or feel great, feel free to give him a picture frame with the super-hot picture of yourself in it. Also, try to place it in an area where you know he’s sure to see it. A mental visual is one thing, but a tangible picture can be a friendly reminder.

3) Drop some hints- It never hurts to talk yourself up a BIT. It’s very important not to go over board at this as self-promotion can be a huge turnoff. Rather every once in a while drop hints about something like the fact that you may have bought a new outfit to wear when you see him and that you look great in it or that you’ve been going to the gym (if this is true) and you feel great. Just something that reminds him that you’re taking care of yourself and that you can’t wait for him to see you.

theMan - This is a guide to having a great long distance relationship.

Disclaimer: Brace yourself for bad news as there is plenty of it. There are many things that make long distance relationships (LDR’s) extremely difficult.

Qualifications: I was in a long distance relationship for 18 months. I lived in Southern Cali and theWoman lived in New York. During that time, we were happy and in love. After those 18 months of being in a long distance relationship, we moved in together and are still happy and in love.

Trust

We have all seen movies (i.e. RoadTrip, etc), have personal stories, or have had friends in an LDR where the man or woman cheats. Sometimes, the couple stays together and the act of infidelity never comes to light. Other times, it can get extremely messy and painful. The act can be discovered in many, many ways:

1. Reading through your email
2. Cell Phone messages
3. A friend spills the beans

You have to trust the other person and set up ground rules. Otherwise, you may be constantly worrying about whether the other person is cheating on you.

I believe in zero tolerance.

Zero Tolerance - A single act of infidelity, even if the person was intoxicated, will be the end of the relationship. An act of infidelity can include kissing, heavy petting, and anything more advanced. There is a little bit of gray area if a person kisses you without your permission and you do not reciprocate (i.e. kick him in the balls, etc). That is possibly forgivable.

You can afford to have this type of dismissive attitude when you are dating and do not live together or share a pet, a car, etc. I understand things get can more complicated when kids are involved or when you are living together, married, etc.

The worst thing that I can imagine happening is to contract an STD from a partner that was infected through an act of infidelity. That is probably the worst possible thing that could happen.

I also believe in Preemptive break-ups.

Preemptive Breakup - I believe in ending a relationship before cheating on someone or getting cheated on. If you are thinking about cheating on someone and are putting yourself in situations where things could escalate, you should end the relationship. You should agree with the person you are with that before getting cheating, it is fair to end the relationship and simply say that you have met someone else.

I also believe that cheating is never worth it.

The short-lived physical gratification is never worth any of the other consequences. Personally, I simply do not value sex (note that I am not saying making love) that highly. I think that focusing on sex or being derailed by sex (in your career or relationship) demonstrates a lack of self-mastery.

Self-mastery - being in control of your actions and consciously avoiding situations that will get you into trouble. This is aligned with not letting yourself to be influenced by sexual desire or to be manipulated by women. In order to be a great person, you need to have self-mastery.

Here are some conscious decisions you can make to avoid getting yourself into trouble:

1. Always tell members of the opposite sex that you have a girlfriend or boyfriend
2. Find activities for friday and saturday night that do not put you in a position to get in trouble. For instance, going to clubs is probably not the best idea. Personally, I don’t really enjoy clubbing (it’s expensive, takes up too much time, and is ridiculously loud) in general and just went to meet girls.
3. Make sure that you satisfy your sexual needs with the person you are in a relationship with.

Casual LDR’s

A Casual LDR is an oxymoron. People get into a casual relationship in order to have some of the benefits of a relationship (i.e. sex, emotional attachment, a date on Saturday nights, etc) without being heavily invested in the relationship. LDR’s tend to not have the typical relationship benefits and tend to be a lot more work.

Therefore, if you get into an LDR, it should be with the intention of moving in together one day or at least not have that possibility ruled out.

Giving Good Phone

If you hate spending time on the phone, an LDR will probably not work. That being said. In order to have a great LDR relationship, you need to be good on the phone:

1. Emoting - spend time listening and talking about emotions and how you feel. However, if you only talk about emotions (for hours at a time), eventually the relationship will get stale.
2. Be dynamic - learn about new things and try new things in your spare time. This way, you will have things to talk about as well as continue to grow as a person.
3. Don’t tell stories or jokes - Don’t you hate it when you hear the same story 10 times. If you tell stories or jokes, you will quickly run out of them. Share some meaningful stories but don’t tell your whole life story.
4. Learn about each others’ professions - People think that they run out of things to say on the phone. In order to kill two birds with one stone, you can have something to talk about as well as learn a new domain of knowledge from the other person. As an added benefit, the other person can ask you good follow up questions once they have a background in your profession.
5. People are primarily interested in themselves. Keep in mind that most people are interested in themselves and women get irritated if you only talk about yourself.
6. Get a webcam and do video conferencing
7. Focus - the time you spend on the phone you should be focus and attentive to the other person. If you cannot focus, you should call the other person back rather than half-listen.

Dealing with Lovesickness

During a great weekend that you have spent together and built some long-lasting memories, you will start to feel that heart-wrenching feeling. Here are some tips for dealing with that heartwrenching feeling:

1. Stay busy
2. Get good sleep
3. Go to the gym and get a good workout
4. Plan the next time you will see the other person

The feeling of love and longing for love is related to the chemical and physiological reactions your body has to love. There are some other mammals that form strong monogamous relationships like humans and also cuddle. The cuddle hormone, oxytocin, is released in your body by cuddling. Eating well, getting good sleep, and getting a good workout can help you feel good and help you cope with lovesickness. I would feel most lovesick for about 3 days after a long weekend.

Who should move

Eventually, in order to be together, one or both people will have to move. Who should move and timing it can be incredibly difficult. One way to think about this is the following:

In life, you make a series of choices. You should not call these choices sacrifices because that notion involves resentment and/or a great loss that you will incur. Instead, you are making a choice to be together. There are benefits and downsides to this as there are to any decision. It could lead to great opportunity.

This choice will not be unlike the many choices you will have to make when you live together or are married. The person who should move can be decided by who has the most flexibility and can move, which location will work well for both people, or by some other tie breaker.

Benefits to an LDR

On the bright side, when you are in an LDR:

1. Really get to know the other person - some people have trouble communicating in person as opposed to less-present forms of communication (phone, IM, or email). You can only know what someone is thinking by talking to them. You can’t tell what someone is thinking just by looking at them. Spending hours communicating can let you really get to know someone.
2. You always will have something to look forward to. If you take turns planning trips, you will build great memories and experiences.
3. You get to travel - depending on how far away the other person lives, you may get a chance to visit an area that you were not familiar with.
4. You will have more free time - You will not be as pressure to leave work or not hang out with your friends.
5. You will have someone to chat with for some downtime - After a long time, it can be very relaxing to lie down and have a meaningful conversation with someone you care about.

Whatever perceived benefits you have for an LDR, embrace them. Try to focus on the benefits instead of the downsides of an LDR. Hopefully, one day you will move in together which will have its own pro’s and con’s. You want to be able to think back on the Long Distance aspect of your relationship with fond memories.

Different Timezones

If you in a situation where you are separated by different timezones, you need to be flexible. Both people may have to make changes (get up earlier or shift their schedule) in order to make some time for phone time. If you communicate via email, you can do this in your spare time but it is much less personal.

Growing Together

In an LDR, the things your day-to-day lives may be very different. This can cause people to grow apart or not be in the same frame of mind when they are communicating. For example, if one person is lovesick but the other person has been busy and focused at work, they will not be on the same page when they are chatting on the phone. You need to be sympathetic and realize that you will not be on the same page all the time and try to get to the same page when you are on the phone.

Be Self-Aware - Understanding your Needs

In order to thrive in an LDR, you need to understand your needs and what can be done to satisfy them. Women sometimes need affirmation that you still love them and need you to listen to them talk about their day. You may not be able to satisfy all of your needs, all of the time, and LDR’s can be highly suboptimal at times. You just need a best effort here and be sympathetic to the other person’s needs that are not being satisfied.

theMan - You can be a great person but still be terrible in relationships. Being in a great relationship requires that you are disciplined in the way you interact with a woman. When a woman gets the upper hand, the following tends to happen:

1. She gets bored
2. She expects lavish gifts and praise and gives little in return
3. She becomes aloof and difficult
4. She behaves poorly and tries to see how far she can push you until snap out of it
5. She plays games

Most men are not aware of their behavior and are too focused on sex which typically gives the woman the upperhand and leads to the problems above. As a starting point, here are some principles and ideas to ensure that women do not get the upper hand in a relationship.

1. Stick to your guns - Don’t put up with any riff-raff or unfair behavior. If a woman is behaving poorly (i.e. insulting you in front of your friends, complaining incessantly, etc), walk away. If you have a rule that you will not hang out with your ex’s, then you should enforce that rule for her as well.
2. Never let a woman know that you want sex more than she does.
3. Never trade chores, money, or anything else for sex and never make the woman think that she is doing you a favor by doing something sexual with you.
4. Don’t let a woman dictate how you spend your time.
5. Don’t try to entertain women or take responsibility for their entertainment. There is a multi-billion dollar entertainment industry for that. Women get bored easily and it can take a lot of energy to be entertaining all of the time.
6. Before letting a woman start a fight, make sure that she is not just being influenced by her hormones (i.e. on or around her period). Women tend to think that there is a problem with the man and typically are not aware how much their own hormones affect their emotions.
7. Think that your happiness is just as important as a woman’s happiness.
8. Never give in in a test of wills and be rational.
9. Communicate that character and personality are more important to you than looks. Character and personality can get better over time whereas looks will only get worse over time. This way, you can level the playing field even in a situation where the woman is extremely attractive.

My intention behind these rules is not necessarily to take the upper hand. I have different rules for that. These rules are simply to prevent a situation where the woman has the upper hand and can pave the way for a relationship of equality.

Does anyone man out there have a better list or something that they want to add?

theWoman- Whenever I’m at the gym I’ve found that there’s always a bunch of magazines geared toward women - the type of magazine that has a female celebrity on it and then a bunch of tips from how we women can lose weight without dieting, the ultimate sex tips to blow his mind, and where to meet the perfect guy. Well, I’ve read my fair share of these magazines on where to meet men and I believe they lack some common sense.

I believe that in order to meet someone you can have a relationship with you need to put yourself in the situation where you can be successful. If you want to meet someone to just casually date then the tips below aren’t for you. But, if you’re looking to meet your life partner I would suggest the following:

1) Find someone with common interests or characteristics as you – it’ll be easier to start up a conversation with someone and then keep the spark if you share the same passions

2) Set yourself up for success – the best places to meet someone is when you have a captive audience. For example, if you are on a trip with a bunch of other people, whether it’s touring another country or the US, you will undoubtedly be spending a lot of time together and building mutual memories.

3) Be self aware- this is perhaps the most challenging tip out there. My belief is that if you don’t know what you want then you won’t know when you’ve found it or how to find it. Knowing what you want isn’t just having a feeling about a person when you meet them – it’s being able to articulate what you are looking for. The key to this is to be specific enough that you can avoid wasting your time with a majority of people but open enough that you don’t rule out everyone in the world.

4) Work on your self – If you’re in the dating field and haven’t found someone – that’s ok! In the meantime, work on yourself and your development. If you have mastered tip number 3 then you know what you want, but would you fit the other person’s requirements? Working on your self will make you more confident and will prevent you from being in relationships that aren’t going anywhere or are with the wrong person.

5) Self love- if you don’t love yourself, no else will. As sad as it is – I know a lot of people that really need to work on building a relationship with themselves. If you want to be treated well by others, you need to treat yourself well as an example.